poems about violet
by au-chocolat
Summary: violet is my name. i was built to kill. ... with humor. haha. this is my upbringing at cross academy. [mostly poetry]
1. him and i

if he could see me

as i see him

then maybe

this world would stop spinning

or would it spin faster?


	2. when we were young

i echoed his every move

too much, i know now

but when one is 10, how can you know?

but he was magnificent and i wanted to be him

the older brother i never had

silent, strong, unforgiving

reclusive, contemplative, confusing

and what was i? merely black, violet and blue

black from a heart that was hardening every next day

violet from the eyes i was programmed to have

blue from a world that seemed to conspire against my emotions


	3. funny fighting

\- violet, give that back to me

i giggled so hard i thought my ribs were bruising

if i opened this notebook, would i see lovey dovey doodles of my brunette friend?

then again i didn't need evidence on paper - my eyes could see everything

but it'd just be funny

lucky for me i was engineered to run

(and fight and jump and to fix things and to heal overnight)

so i took flight into the courtyard

if you could hear my giggles you probably wouldn't have guessed i was sprinting

my silver haired friend sprinted behind me

i see fumes from his eyes

i giggle more - i think i was hysterical now

and when i open the pages what do i find?

algebra.

note-to-selfs.

grocery shopping lists.

how disappointing. sigh.

my breath is cut suddenly

from a ruthless mass slamming into my body

and suddenly the notebook has found its rightful master again

i huff as if he was the one who did wrong


	4. where am i from?

\- vi, sweetie, you don't have a father or mother. i mean you do. but not in the sense of a family.

i couldn't really hear aunt tess - some loud panging noise was reverberating in my ears

\- what do you mean aunt tess?

i was 9 years old.

\- hun, very smart and good people _created_ you. they took some some cells from a man, some from a woman, and ... edited you in a lab. you were created and born with a purpose. that is why you live with me. i am here to train you.

\- why was i born? i mean created?

\- they wanted to you be the _strongest, meanest, bestest_ little girl in the world to help them fight bullies. that's why we practice fighting and solving problems every day. you won't face these bullies until later in life, but you'll be prepared.

\- does that mean leon and esther were created too?

\- no sweetie, they are also my children but i gave birth to them. they are average humans, but we are all family. and that means you too.

\- does that mean i'm not average?

\- you are above average - you are so incredibly _strong_ and _smart_ and _beautiful_ and _loved,_ my love.

i giggled. i liked being born in a lab. it sounded nice.

\- one more question...

\- last one sweetie - we need to join leon and esther for dinner soon.

\- ... why did they have to create me? can't these people just fight bullies themselves? are there more of me?

aunt tess chuckled.

\- that was a triple barrel hun. first: most people born can't fight very well. didn't you notice at the monastery school? you beat up kai as if he was a caterpillar (we need to fix your temper by the way, love). ok, next you asked about whether there are more? i don't think so. they invested so much time in you, i doubt they had resources or time to make another.

i was relieved. i'd hate to fight me too.

\- aunt tess, why didn't they make my hair more straight? it's so messy, i can't even comb it. i can run like the wind but i can't comb my hair.

she laughed so hard.

\- it's dinner time. let's go.


	5. just late

_no._

she was there, crumpled on the floor. gashes in her torso, arms, right across her face.

he couldn't bring his eyes to her face. it wasn't normal to see her motionless,

mouth agape,

lake of blood.

 _how did this happen?_

 _how did i not hear?_

can heart muscles implode? contract at least? zero was sure he had evidence.

 _i should examine._

 _vi, wake up._

 _tell me you're okay._

 _tell me just one more time that i'm stupid. i'll let you._

 _WAKE_

 _UP_

 _WHY_

 _ISN'T_

 _YOUR_

 _HEART_

 _BEATING_

next it was so blurry and yet so clear.

breath check. none.

heart beat again, just in case. none.

 _oh dear God - if you are out there, spare her. please._

breath to breath, one, two.

compressions, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven... twenty eight, twenty nine, thirty.

breath to breath, one, two.

compressions, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven... twenty eight, twenty nine, thirty.

he looked at her face again. it was peaceful.


	6. but i'm stronger now

\- but i'm stronger now, see?

silence. i hated this silence - what was his problem?

\- i can hear slightly better now too, not like i needed that. and i think my appetite changed a bit, i don't crave hamburgers as much anymore. haha. so they're all yours now.

silence.

\- zero, can you please say something. you're freaking me out.

his head was still buried in his hands.

\- well i don't see what the problem is, so i'm going to get a -

\- _how do you not see what the problem is?_

yes! his first words since i came back. oh my sweet thumping heart, please slow down. stay in that ribcage.

\- violet, they _changed you._ you're... you didn't choose this life. how could they even _think_ of that?

he spat the words.

i looked at zero. if a face could scare the living lights out of someone, he had that face on. i started calling that expression 'The don't #$%^ with me' Face. eyebrows so furrowed i couldn't see his eyes. jaw so clenched. knuckles whiter than his already scary pale skin.

\- okay zero, first of all, i'm not that different. like i said, i just hear better, crave less cheeseburgers and... yes i'll live a long time and apparently i'm supposed to ... drink blood. but the scientists said i could control it easily. but none of us chose these lives, you see? we make with the cards we're dealt. i kinda like my cards. keeps life interesting.

no sound.

\- quit sulking zero. i'm pretty much the same person. i'm steal going to tease the hell out of you and beat you in mile sprints.

'The don't #$%^ with me' Face remained. i thought he was going to glare a hole through the floor.

\- hey, a lot changes in two years. let's have lunch tomorrow, i want to hear about your life too.

He still had 'The don't #$%^ with me' Face.

i sighed.

try again tomorrow, i suppose.


	7. a therapy session

the past seven years? well it's come and went

since i landed at cross academy

nothing new under the sun, really

well not the important things at least

aunt tess still my pillar

leon, esther still my beloved family

school makes hell look exciting (i hate history)

(... and of course he is still wonderful)

(... and of course he doesn't think anything of me)

i am still broken everywhere

drugs, so many drugs

and don't get me started on the shots

every year they bring me in

pinch at me, touch me, stare at me, scribble notes

give me my annual 'meal'

of all these colorful pills and shots that

they say 'will strengthen me'

funny because i usually am too drugged to walk in a line

so aunt tess or kaien or zero comes to pick me up

some of them make me sick

really, really sick

like i remember someone telling me i was out for 4 days

(actually i was happy i slept through winter ball that year)

because apparently i took to many of the GHS51 pills, whatever that is

(it's the small circular blue one i had to take for 1 month)

but i guess some of them work how they're supposed to

one of them helped me stay awake 48 hours no sweat

and i really needed that to kill off this pack of E's that were raging through the city over

i managed to do it! but crashed and slept 16 hours after apparently

i gotta say that was one of the top three missions that i pulled off in my life

emotionally? um, i guess the same. i love who i love. actually aren't you supposed to be assessing that?

aunt tess and family? well of course. i miss them all the time. i still see her at the cross' house every Christmas, kaien and her are cousins.

yuuki? i don't see her as much anymore, which is a shame. i love spending time with her. although it makes me sad...

... well because i, i want to be her sometimes. sometimes my life is too much. i can't handle all these missions and experiments and pressure to not fail. i just want to stay at school sometimes and be friends with people. i want to be her sometimes... she captures a lot of attention.

... oh that's flattering, haha. but really, yuuki is beautiful, i just look weird.

other people? well, no one worth mentioning, really.

(at not least here)

really, i feel fine.

is this therapy over now? can i go to class?


	8. normal day cooking

(when i was 17 - long weekend on campus)

whoever designed my heart was stupid

scientists could make me so fast and strong

and not do a simple thing

like

letting me maintain a normal heartbeat

when i saw him around?

seriously dumb. what if he was around and an E picked up my location from my heartbeat?

 _IT'S SO BLOODY LOUD_

 _HOW CAN NO ONE HEAR_

 _HE'S RIGHT BESIDE ME_

i'm never asking him to help me cook dinner again

martha stewart, i'll come to you next week

i can't focus on these potatoes

i'll probably cut a finger off

 _OH WHY_

am i so infatuated by this idiot

he curses at me

calls me idiot

almost as much as i call him the same

maybe his looks? well sometimes i confuse him for a roman god

eyes?

inhumanly soft lavender

(i mean, i've inhumanly dark purple

but i ain't a full human)

sometimes i forget what language i speak

when i get lost in those pools of lavender

hair?

just stupidly perfectly silver and cascading

long enough to block most expressions

(but i read him just fine)

i used to ruffle it all the time when we were young

but now he's too tall

voice?

stupidly crippling, raspy, gentle, firm voice

i could listen to it

like beethoven's symphony 9

especially when he calls me 'idiot'

character?

well he confuses me

but i could come up with dozens of exhibits for all the words that come to mind

ruthless, angry, brash, confusing, stubborn, myopic, short-sighted, volatile, temperamental, moody, sulky

(he sounds terrible when i string that all together)

... but gentle, _so gentle,_ when he wants to be

strong, brave, courageous, kind, generous, smart, fast, curious, patient...

\- are you done staring at the potatoes yet?

i go wide eyed. how long has it been?

\- did you even cut a single one?

i slowly look over. he looks seetingly annoyed as usual.

\- violet, you're hopeless.

i grin so wide. i know.


	9. normal day in class

sometimes i just want to thank the universe

for these normal days in class

i get to stare into space

daydreaming and let my body rest

i get to stare at him sometimes

tall, lanky, very uninterested in calculus

(i actually like differential calc)

how can i say that the universe has been unkind to me

on these blissful, simple days?

i can smell the chalk

i can hear paper rustling down the hall

i can feel the grip of the linoleum floor

i hear whispers from other classrooms

notes passed when the prof is writing

life could be simple

no?


	10. shorts: about her

you were weird in a beautiful way

when i first saw you

i drank in the color of your eyes

purple like the depths of the pacific

body perfectly symmetrical

small and timid

rightfully

you had a world to fight before you

and to this day seven years later you insist on doing that alone

i didn't like the feeling growing inside of me

year over year

watered by your wit, strength and kindness

may i add a beauty that could stop the solar system from spinning

the feeling made me too slow and too dumb

so what comes out of my mouth

could only be slow and dumb things

and yet you giggle

* * *

do you know

just how loved you are?

how lovely you are?

maybe i was sent to this earth

to tell you.

* * *

you say all you wanted was a normal life

but i can't imagine you normal

not in the sense that you mean, anyways

normal means staying inside when it rains

but you would run out and splash in puddles as a kid, fascinated by the earth

normal means wanting to shop and dress up

but you buried your nose in books and martial art dvds and looking out the window

normal means staying in on winter nights

but you would lie in the dark courtyard staring at the constellations

normal should mean being furious for what the world demanded of you

but you shrugged your shoulders and said 'it's not too bad'

normal means letting me sulk and avoiding a wretched friend like me

but you, no, barge in and never left me alone

normal means noticing how much i would accidentally stare at you

but you can be as blind as a bat sometimes

* * *

tender was the night

when you let me stay

and watch you drift to sleep

* * *

there were two times you said things

that froze my cardiovascular system

(one) you told me how wonderful you thought i was. and how you have cared for me so deeply. and how you thought you had no chance.

i was stunned

shocked and still as a ground struck by lightning

never in my life could i have been so hopeful

to hear those words

from that windy voice

you glowed a lovely shade of pink and red

when i stooped to kiss you later

(two) you told me you had to go. that your heart changed. that time has won its war.

that you didn't know whether you loved me anymore.

you choked. i could barely hear you. you couldn't look up at me.

i still don't believe those words. i know it's a lie. you never looked in the eye when you lied

but i don't know why

nor when

you plan on showing up again

to explain


	11. a therapy session (ii)

she was broken

because i wasn't there

because she said 'i'll be back soon'

and when soon didn't come

only then did i panic

i was supposed to join

but we were upset at each other

(as usual)

about something petty, i think

i was so incredibly stupid

 _she's only 15, only 15... what monster would hurt her like that?_

and i collected her in my arms, waiting for the wailing to begin

the mourning

the loss of my friend

the loss of a beautiful girl

someone with whom i argued and fought and played with too much

never mind the drops of blood on my cloths and skin

she was still warm

and as if this God had heard me, the commotion began

kaien, yagari and the usual crowd became visible in the horizon

they were sprinting

there were flashes of light

ambulances

my vision began to blur

 _where art thou, my reliable focus?_

i was lightheaded

i saw the paramedics shock her, putting masks and plugs all over her. zap, again. it should've been only 5 minutes that passed but it felt like an hour. i strained to see the body through the handful of petrified people. zap, again. was it 5 minutes later? it felt like another hour.

and those lids began to twitch.

i nearly cried.

* * *

so when i learned that she was back

and different

like me

of course i lost my shit

* * *

something, not zero, looked to be in control of his body right now. and it was seething.

he wanted to _burn the building down. send each scientist to the other side of hell._

he snuck into the main conference room of the hunter's association. no one was there. it was 3am.

and he let loose.

he unleashed

rage that couldn't be contained in this body

hatred for people he'd never met

fury that would dissolve stone

destruction was what he knew would happen

all on behalf of a girl who didn't understand what happened to her

that someone else has decided how she would live

a long and painful and merciless life

just like his own

victim of a hunger and thirst that couldn't ever be quenched

a desert never meeting its rain

zero flipped the table in a fury. smashed paper towers aside. threw the chairs to the other side of the room. hoping to break a hole all the way to china. smashed the table centerpieces. heck, why not smash the electronics too.

screw this place. screw these people. screw this - this planet. life is not. fair. ever.

and when 10 minutes passed, and the alarm was blaring, and zero was panting with bruised knuckles and some cuts from glass shards... he still didn't feel like it was enough.

no amount of destruction would ever be enough

to compensate for his fury


End file.
